check your sugarcoat at the door

I’ve had my fair share of piercing experiences; up and down my ears, through my navelbutton, my nipples, my tongue and four total pokes in the nose, all at different times. I’ve ditched most of them. The tongue piercing lasted eight hours before I pulled out the barbell and threw it in the sink. My body rejected one, forcing it out over a short period of time. (All. The. Way. Out. Without me ever having to open the hoop, my body said get the eff out and the ring pushed all the way through my nipple, leaving a straight line scar. Awesome, y/n?)

My pain tolerance is pretty admirable, considering the quantity of needles I’ve had pushed in and out of me and the sensitive skin surfaces I’ve had adorned with ink.

The worst of the worst was ten or eleven years ago when I had my rook pierced by an impatient jerk. (This is not mine.) The stiff cartilage and the shape of the fold made the process difficult for everyone and I couldn’t clench my jaw hard enough as it was happening. I didn’t expect it to hurt that bad and I wouldn’t do it ever again.

The second worst of the worst was when I took my septum piercing out for upward of six months and decided I wanted to put it back. (Also not mine.) I am unable to maneuver almost all jewelry, most especially any sort of piercing jewelry that is not for my earlobes. I went down to the nice piercing specialist man that I’ve seen a few times now and asked that he do it for me. It was supposed to be simple but see, and this should be common knowledge though it totally eluded me, the hole will shrink when not occupied by a piece of jewelry. I had thought it would slip right back in, having worn the piercing consistently for a year or so. NOT SO MUCH. NOT SO MUCH AT ALL, TURNS OUT. He had to stretch the hole back open to accommodate the jewelry. Put simply, it felt like the front of my face had exploded and then was lit on fire. (I used to wear six gauges in my ears and getting to that point never, ever hurt this bad.) I went straight to a nearby dive bar and ordered something stiff to soothe my aching existence. I told someone an hour or so later that it still felt like someone was holding a lighter directly up to the skin.

In conclusion, we understand that both the rook piercing and the stretching of skin after a piercing has shrunk hurts really, really bad, yes? Any questions?

On Saturday afternoon, I didn’t know that my plan was to combine both horrors.

My dumbass finally got around to putting back in my ear piercings since my surgery last March. (The rook and one near the top of my ear, close against my head.) I met with a different, though equally nice piercing specialist and gave him my hoops. He inserted a taper into my rook without warning and I started losing my shit. Writhing and grinding and squinting through the immense pain. He asked that I hold still and insisted he knew how horrible it felt but I was “doing great” and the like. (I was doing the opposite of great. An infant would have been more tolerable than me.) Because I had worn this earring for so long, I thought it would slip back in. WRONG AGAIN. At my breaking point, something I’ve never had before, I told him I had lost my nerve and to forget it. He explained that the taper was in place, he would just need to insert the jewelry, easy-peesy, and we’re through here. I took a deep breath which he accepted as a green light and in it went. When he confirmed it was done and said it was time to check out the other hole, I said quickly, “Ya know, I never even liked that piercing anyway. Let’s call it a day.”

I still feel like the left side of my head partially exploded. I take Ibuprofen every few hours and put ice delicately against it but it only offers relief for a short period of time.

Thus, booze.

I will never learn.

-CJ