As a high school and trade school drop-out and twenty-four year old with no college degree, I feel like I have failed at everything. I have no sense of ever fulfilling a meaningful goal. The reality is that I did finish high school, technically, by passing the GED test. And I have been slowly taking courses in college since 2005, skipping a semester here and there, completing eight courses so far. This year I swore with a militant diligence that I would take 1-2 classes per semester until I could graduate.
This summer course that I enrolled in took much thought and scheduling with Kiddo’s dad and averting routines but I was sure it could happen. And what’s four exhausting weeks, in the grand scheme? It would fly by.
Halfway through class last night, when I couldn’t even make it to my car without bursting into tears like a fucking pansy, I tried to explain to myself why I had to drop this class. Why the time allowance in my full time schedule didn’t allow the amount of work that was required outside of the classroom and the amount of hours required inside. How maybe I would just need to skip summer semesters if I was going to balance forty hours a week at work and still have time to keep my life and my daughter in decent working order.
But giving up the semester on those terms was not conducive to my promise to power through it, no matter what. I did what any self-respecting woman does in a crisis and I called my mom and cried in her ear about being angry with myself. She talked me down. Then I did what any self-respecting slightly obsessive woman does when she’s stressed and I cleaned.
I am pissed at myself. I know it’s okay to accept being overwhelmed but I don’t want to. I want to not think of myself as a teenage drop out/knock up and see something through and feel like I’ve done enough to lighten the pressure I put on myself. And no matter how clean my house is, or how well I do at work, or how happy my kid is, I can’t let that be enough. I need to. But I can’t.
Any ideas?
-CJ
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My suggesstion? Don’t be so darn hard on yourself! You completed the GED…that says a lot. And you’re going to school now. Even though you tried to talk yourself out of it, it sounds like with the help of your mom (who sounds uber supportive) you did. And let’s not forget you’re the mother to a pretty cute little girl.
I’ll let you in on a little secret about me. I’m 27 and haven’t even come close to completing my AA. I moved out of my mom’s house last year and barely scrape by each month. When I graduated high school, I had a plan. At 25 I realized that plan was a big fat joke and decided to let go (with quite a bit of heart break that it never came to fruition mind you.) Letting go and living the life I had created myself was the best thing I’ve ever done. Sure I wake up every day with that nagging feeling like my life isn’t going anywhere, but I get up and make every day count.
I’m rambling now, but my point is don’t look back and regret the decisions you’ve made. My guess is you wouldn’t trade your little girl for the world. And that is pretty awesome within itself.
Comment by Courtney June 30, 2009 @ 5:48 pm*sniffle*
Comment by calamityjill June 30, 2009 @ 7:14 pmThanks for the support, girl. I like knowing there’s people in my boat, or similiar boats, because at least we can occassionally jump out and skinny dip or something.
Just remember that raising that perfect little girl of yours is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, and you’re doing a faaabulous job with that. I know, cuz I been there-done that.
All the rest will come eventually.
p.s. Courtney, you rock!
Comment by Mom July 1, 2009 @ 6:43 pmShit, the kid makes it easy. She’s awesome. I’m not testing my chances with a #2 so if you want another grandbaby, wait for Brenna to procreate.
Comment by calamityjill July 1, 2009 @ 10:52 pm(Tell me THOSE kids won’t be awesome!)
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